Complaining Parents

[Jewels]

My daughter is on her high school's varsity cheer team.  The parents of one girl on the team seem to complain about everything!   They make accusations of missing money (unfounded of course), favoritism, the way our coaches coach, the list goes on and on.  It is gotten to the point where most of the parents keep away from them because they are sick of hearing it! 
I have two questions...1) Is it par for the course for most teams to have at least one set of parents who stick their noses into everywhere is doesn't belong?  2) Short of kicking their daughter off of the team (that would be shame because the girl is a good cheerleader) what recourse do our advisers and coaches have?

[MdCheerMom01]

Yes, it seems like there is always at least one cheer parent who does nothing but complain and can't find ANYTHING positive to say. It's a shame but you just have to kind of ignore these people and try to set a good example for them to follow (kill them with kindness, so to speak). Try not to feed into their negativity and just try not to respond to their complaining. Smile and walk away--that way they don't have anything to argue over and eventually they will stop. They are looking for a reaction and if you don't give it to them, then they have nothing to complain about or at least NO ONE to complain to!!!

[Kong]

Something else to keep in mind is support the coach!  If the parents of this one girl are bothering you, you can probably imagine what kind of a pain it must be for the coach.  You can always make yourselves scarce and not listen, but the coach has to deal with these parents on a regular basis.  If it comes down to it and the coach needs some positive parents to lean on for suport (i.e. the A.D. gets complaints from the parents and the coach is in a tough situation), be sure you're there for the coach.

Other than that, this is just an issue that the coach will have to deal with.  What you may want to do, however, is talk to the coach individually and let her/him know that the parents are really negative around the athletes and other parents and that you're worried about the way the negativity may affect the squad.  See if there's anything the coach can do about it.  A coach will often "take a bullet for the team," but if she/he knows that something is hurting others, then they sometimes have to act.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Kong

[CoachKC]

Thank you, Kong!

I have a few of those parents whom I can never make happy. . .and it's rubbed off on their kids, too!  They don't like our briefs, our shoes, our shirts, our warmups, our routine, our stunts, our music. . .you name it!  I want to ask why they even want to be on the squad in the first place.

If it wasn't for those supportive parents that DO have my back, I would go crazy!  Just one positive parent can make it bearable. . .let the coach know that you support him/her and do what you can to dissuade the negativity.

Have you considered telliing the negative parent that you just don't want to hear it?  Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. . .I sometimes wish that my parents would tell my "bossy mom" to just shut it (since I obviously can't. . .)

LOL!

[CptCchSunshine]

It is really "par for the course" to have at least one parent in any group that just doesn't seem to agree or want to be happy no matter what, as a coach you do, no matter how you try to appease and please, and no matter what steps you take in communicating and putting forth information.

I am a firm believer that typically a "bad parent" is simply a "misinformed parent." However, there are those exceptions to the rule that no matter how informed they are, no matter how taken care of they are just like everyone else, no matter how much they are listened to, answered, and assisted in understanding the rules, requirements, philosophy, and culture of the team, they just simply complain.

Sometimes it's because they have nothing better to do. Sometimes it's because they are miserable in their own lives and just want to bring others down with them. Sometimes it's because they figure eventually someone will agree with them. Sometimes it's because they think, by people listening, they are agreed with and so they talk more. And so on.....

Coaches have options they can take from ignoring it to combating it to confronting it and everywhere in between. Depending on the confidence of the coach and the program she/he is in and/or has built, will often depend on the varying steps he/she will take with a parent that is being negative and, in some cases, detrimental to the team and the program as a whole.

I have had a couple parents like that in programs I have been in and run. The programs where I was the "main person" in charge -- Head Coach, Director, etc, -- I simply directly addressed the people. I did it different ways with each person as the negative meter on each was slightly different. Oddly enough though the underlying motive was the same -- they were both unhappy in their own lives and the program their daughter was in was the only target. When confronted, they had nothing to say and they couldn't believe I thought they were being negative. They were "just talking." I told them it needed to stop and that if they had nothing nice to say -- they needed to not say anything at all, that if there was a true issue they could come to me but if they were just badmouthing, they needed to stop and really think about the impact that was going to potentially have on their own child and their team as a whole since negativity can spread like wildfire.  Needless to say -- they stopped. Though I'm sure they have moments where they still "spout" or "vent," it has become MUCH fewer and farther in between and what they have found in the process is that people are more likely to be around them now than they were before as nobody wanted to be "lumped in" with their negative ranting and raving in the past.

The programs where I was not "in charge" were much more difficult as I found the other advisor was going behind my back and playing both sides of the fence, listening to them and lamenting with them but then blasting them when talking to me. It was hard as I had trusted her but I do believe in karma and since leaving, that program has had nothing but sheer problems with her in charge and now only have a squad of 4 because of behavorial problems. Imagine that when apples don't fall far from trees......and the ground they land on seems to always give them a hand back into the tree. It was a difficult situation as I never had a chance to really help the parents learn the right behaviors or how to be good, supportive, positive parents and so to them, I was just this "mean coach" who "didn't listen" or didn't want to listen to the parents when that wasn't the case. That's who I was made out to be and in the process, I had constant things said about me and it sadly filtered down to the girls eventually. Not all of them but enough to affect the squad and my ability to properly work with them.

Has there ever been a parent meeting regarding parent expectations? Has the coach confronted this parent? Are there other parents that constantly let her complain? Are there parents willing to say "if you have a problem go to the coach, otherwise please quit talking so negative?" And so on?

What steps can be taken will depend on what steps HAVE been taken already and where to best go from here. Make sense?

Good luck and keep us posted! 

[MdCheerMom01]

Great reply cchsunshine! I agree in that a lot of parents just want to complain for the sake of complaining. But when there is a parent meeting and the coach is addressing the issue of parnets being negative, NO ONE wants to speak up (or at least the parents that originally went to the coach in the first place to complain about the other parents). So we end up with speculation and a whole lot more negativity. I do find that a lot of parents who complain the most about what level our team is competing at or what skills the kids are learning and not learning yet are the most uninfomed parents of the bunch! The do not even know the difference between a BHS and a tuck or what skills constitute a Level 3 team vs a Level 2 team. So, clearly how can they complain when they do not understand the basic facts of cheerleading--very frustrating. But as a parent, we can do our job by setting a good example for these negative parents and try and inform them as much as they are willing to accept it. If not then, try not to associate with them or at least when they start talking negaitce tell them that you do not want to hear it and walk away. If enough parents do this then the negative ones will have no one else to complain to. Another idea is to have some sort of Positive Parent Program at the gym where you acknowledge the parents who are positive and bring great ideas and energy to the program.
If anyone has a sort of program like this already in place at their gym, I would love to hear about it and any ideas that anyone has to start instituting this would be great!!
Thanks!!

[Pauliana]

Have you considered telliing the negative parent that you just don't want to hear it?  Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. . .I sometimes wish that my parents would tell my "bossy mom" to just shut it (since I obviously can't. . .)

LOL!

This is the best way to deal with a constant complainer. When I was asked by a complaining parent what I thought about the coach putting a 10 year old on our daughter's Senior squad I said, "It's his team, he can do what he wants." The complaining parent just huffed and turned to the next person hoping someone would echo her negative vibe. When she didn't get it, she shut up. I didn't stress over hurting her feelings, she had made my time miserable with her constant complaints. If anyone would listen to her, she would keep going, but if even one person stopped her negative talk, the rest of practice, or the competition, was wonderful because she wouldn't talk the rest of the time.

Cheers, Pauliana

[CMCOACH]

I have a parent that sounds like these ones above-- but what is great for me is the other parents that reply to her emails with what a great job Im doing and  really nice positive things about the changes I have made in the program-- kinda gets the negative parent to step back for a bit-- so parents i urge you to counter the negative comments with positive comments about your coach as well-- postive attitudes can rub off on others just as much as the negative ones can= and when the negative parents sees what support the coach has, maybe they will back down

[coolcoach]

I have two questions...1) Is it par for the course for most teams to have at least one set of parents who stick their noses into everywhere is doesn't belong?  2) Short of kicking their daughter off of the team (that would be shame because the girl is a good cheerleader) what recourse do our advisers and coaches have?

Yes, unfortunately it is "par for the course" to have at least one parent who does that. 

My recourse is to basically tell parents that it's my (and my assistant coaches) job to do what's best for the team. If they have a legitimate concern, I will gladly listen. But if all they want to do is tell me how to to run the team, I tune them out.

[Stunt Double 4U]

At the beginning of the season, every parent has to sign a contract that states the following:

1) I welcome feedback, but if it's negative I need it in writing with reasons to support their complaints or it will fall on a blind ear.

2) If I hear of constant complaining while they're in my gym then they will be asked to leave.  It's very distruptive to everyone.

3) The final word comes from the head coach, not the assistant coach, not the helpers, not volunteers, not other kids, definitely not other parents.  If there's ever a question about something contact the head coach!  Otherwise, that's how we get misinformation!

4) If you and your child are so unhappy with the way things are going that you cause problems for other parents or your kid's teammates, you will be asked to leave the gym permanently.  You will not get a refund!

I have also learned that overcommunication is a good thing.  I send a letter or email home every week with team updates for the parents:  due dates, money updates, competition times and locations, kudos for hard work, answers to questions, etc.  The parents love the extra information, and I rarely get complaints.  When all else fails, kill 'em with kindness!

Now, to answer your questions:
a) Yes, this happens every year.  We coaches always know it's coming, we just never know from whom.   

b) See above.  It's never right to kick a kid out of a program for his/her parent's actions, but often the attitude of the cheerleader is negatively effected by the parents' negativity, so sometimes it has to be done.

[CoachKC]

I wish I had done this!

My "complainers" just won't let this year go. . .they have now scheduled a meeting with my principal to continue venting, since complaining to each other obviously isn't satisfying them.  My administration has my back -- thank god -- but it's very discouraging, as a coach who puts a lot of time and effort (unpaid, I may add) into this program to be constantly criticized about everything. 

Here's hoping for a better year next year!

[CheeryCoach]

It does seem everyone has at least one parent like this.  I had one (still have come to think of it, because her daughter is very talented and really causes me no problems at all), and it just seems her lot in life is to stir everything up.

I do feel confident that it really wouldn't matter who the coach was, she would find something to complain about.  At least at this point, I do also know I have some parents on my side, who find her completely annoying.

And on a brighter note, my OTHER complaining parent's youngest daughter just graduated this week, so I shouldn't be hearing from them anytime soon

[Coach Sadie]

I had one graduate this year too!!!  Lets just say she once complained that her daughters cheerleading skirt wasn't SHORT enough.. I mean really.... who does that!

[CheeryCoach]

That last comment is humorous!!!   Especially since I had a dad two seasons ago that insisted his daughter have a LONGER skirt because HE found it too short. (It was short, but she wasn't hanging out of it, and it fit JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE's). 

(I do coach High School, not middle school - and there are several area schools with skirts considerably shorter than ours).

[2girlcheermom]

I love the parent code of conduct. Especially the part where it asks to put your concerns in writing with. I would also require a plan for resolution and what part the complainer will play in the soloution. If you're not a part of the soloution then you are a part of the problem.

In school we use this phrase.  "No one has the right to interfere with the learning safety or well being of any other cheerleader."

In all public schools there is a no bullying or harassment standard. I teach my kids that bullying is when you are afraid to do what you know is right for fear of how someone else may react.  I tell them that if someone is keeping them from doing there very best work (cheering) then we need to talk. 

[CoachKC]

I teach my kids that bullying is when you are afraid to do what you know is right for fear of how someone else may react.  I tell them that if someone is keeping them from doing there very best work (cheering) then we need to talk. 

If that doesn't just sum up the year I just had, I don't know what does!  Funny how the bullying type just don't go away after high school. . . .or even middle age! 

[2bacheermom]

I have read the posts to thistopic, and you know what? I think it's unfair to say that a parent is the problem. First, let me explain. If it's just someone who is just miserable, then you will never make trhem happy. Maybe they don't understand why we do certain drills, or why we wear certain outfits etc. When my daughter decided to become a cheerleader, I was glad because my cheerleading experiences were good for me, and I am still friends with many from my squad,( high school, and college).Maybe if someone would address her concerns maybe she will keep the complaining to a dull roar. I know the coach of my daughters squad and her, "administrative coaches" think that about us, but we have bonafide grounds to complain. Money was misappropriated,there was blantant favoritism,(mainly the two "administrative coaches daughters"). The AD blew our concerns off, as well as the principal, and we had PROOF!!!!!! We have a coach that tells the girls things like, " I can go and get 10 girls to fill your slot, so don't think you are all of that"! or, " None of you are good. When you get as good as I am them you can talk". Is this promoting a positive attitude? But the two "administrative coaches have been around so long, no one wants to hear what the parents have to say. These women do not promote anything with the girls except to get into the games free, eat, and yell at the girls and then tell them not to run home and tell their mothers what goes on in practice. Is that the way you run a squad? Not wanting the parents to participate in ANYTHING with the girls except to have bodies at a fundraiser? Some of our parents have some good ideas for the girls to foster comraderie, community belonging, self worth, and school spirit. But we are constantly thearted by these two women because they don't want to be upstaged. So it's not always the parents. I will say though, sometimes when you have a constant complainer, I would address her concerns and after that,leave it alone! Some people are just never happy unless they complain!!!

[SoCalCheerCoach2]

I had one graduate this year too!!!  Lets just say she once complained that her daughters cheerleading skirt wasn't SHORT enough.. I mean really.... who does that!

I'm disheartened to say that a few years back I had one of my MS mom's tell a Varsity rep that her daughter's skirt needed to be shorter (it was already the shortest on the squad!).  This poor girl was a little bit curvier than the rest of the team and the Varsity rep tried to convince the mom it would be better if her daughter kept the length the same.  Then (right in front of everyone) the mom said, "Oh don't worry, she'll be on a diet this summer so she will look much better by Football Season".  That's when I had to step in and tell her that according to Administration rules it has to be at least _________ a length on her otherwise she will not be able to cheer.  Which settled the issue.  That still makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

[ucaCHEERalum]

...I think it's unfair to say that a parent is the problem...

Its entirely fair to say that parents are a problem and I take issue with some of the accusations that you've made...simply because I don't believe you would have first hand access to each situation (and I like playing devil's advocate, especially when defending fellow coaches  ). 

1.) The things coaches say at practice.  Unless your daughter's squad has open practices you wouldn't know for sure what was being said.  I've pulled out the, "I've got three girls on speed dial that would love to have your spot" on occasion when I feel someone isn't pulling their weight, being lazy, etc.  Like it or not its a motivational tactic (man we could have a completely different thread on cheerleading coach approach - its different than any other sport out there).  Perhaps your daughter isn't motivated by fear - lots of people are and lots don't react well to it.  A good coach knows when to use fear as motivation. 

One or two of these lines used every now and again is A-ok in my book.  Verbal abuse, however, is not.  Make sure you get it from the horses mouth though.  Teenagers (and grownups too) have a way of over-exaggerating things when they feel slighted or in an attempt to get their way.

2.) Favortism.  Its silly to think that people don't or shouldn't play favorites...they do.  You have a favorite restaraunt.  You have a favorite color.  You may even have a favorite child.  Its simple, you spend a lot of time and devote yourself to something you are naturally going to develop favorites.  Its human nature.

All you can do is ride this'n out.  We have to teach our kids that life isn't always fair and that while everyone should be treated equally they often aren't.  Its the perfect opportunity to squash any budding entitlement issues and reinforce the golden rule.

Now, having a child on a squad you coach is, IMPO, a conflict of interest...but not entirely out of the question.  Again, what favortism have you witnessed personally?  They always get to be on top of the pyramid?  They're always in the front row for jumps and/or dancing?  Well, perhpas they're good flyers.  Perhaps they're some of the best dancers and/or have the best jumps.  If they were that good (which I'd expect the daughters of coaches to be) they probably should be on top and in front.

3.) Missappropriated funds.  I don't like this one bit.  Do you have access to the school's cheerleading budget?  If the coach is taking money collected from the squad and using it on themselves or for things outside of cheerleading you are talking about embezzlement - and that is a pretty serious charge.  You can't just throw that around. 

You may not know what kind of budget dollars are available...furthermore who are you to say which dollars get spent where?  Last I checked that was the job of the coach.  Be very careful here.


Its natural for you to want the best for and to protect your child.  Its unfortunate that there is this us against them mentality out there.   Us or them, we all need to keep things in persepective and not let emotion cloud any issues.

Are there bad coaches out there?  Sure.  Do kids tell half-truths?  Never.    Do parents blow things out of proprotion without having all the facts?  You tell me.

[coachamie]

...I think it's unfair to say that a parent is the problem...

Its entirely fair to say that parents are a problem and I take issue with some of the accusations that you've made...simply because I don't believe you would have first hand access to each situation (and I like playing devil's advocate, especially when defending fellow coaches  ). 

1.) The things coaches say at practice.  Unless your daughter's squad has open practices you wouldn't know for sure what was being said.  I've pulled out the, "I've got three girls on speed dial that would love to have your spot" on occasion when I feel someone isn't pulling their weight, being lazy, etc.  Like it or not its a motivational tactic (man we could have a completely different thread on cheerleading coach approach - its different than any other sport out there).  Perhaps your daughter isn't motivated by fear - lots of people are and lots don't react well to it.  A good coach knows when to use fear as motivation. 

One or two of these lines used every now and again is A-ok in my book.  Verbal abuse, however, is not.  Make sure you get it from the horses mouth though.  Teenagers (and grownups too) have a way of over-exaggerating things when they feel slighted or in an attempt to get their way.

2.) Favortism.  Its silly to think that people don't or shouldn't play favorites...they do.  You have a favorite restaraunt.  You have a favorite color.  You may even have a favorite child.  Its simple, you spend a lot of time and devote yourself to something you are naturally going to develop favorites.  Its human nature.

All you can do is ride this'n out.  We have to teach our kids that life isn't always fair and that while everyone should be treated equally they often aren't.  Its the perfect opportunity to squash any budding entitlement issues and reinforce the golden rule.

Now, having a child on a squad you coach is, IMPO, a conflict of interest...but not entirely out of the question.  Again, what favortism have you witnessed personally?  They always get to be on top of the pyramid?  They're always in the front row for jumps and/or dancing?  Well, perhpas they're good flyers.  Perhaps they're some of the best dancers and/or have the best jumps.  If they were that good (which I'd expect the daughters of coaches to be) they probably should be on top and in front.

3.) Missappropriated funds.  I don't like this one bit.  Do you have access to the school's cheerleading budget?  If the coach is taking money collected from the squad and using it on themselves or for things outside of cheerleading you are talking about embezzlement - and that is a pretty serious charge.  You can't just throw that around. 

You may not know what kind of budget dollars are available...furthermore who are you to say which dollars get spent where?  Last I checked that was the job of the coach.  Be very careful here.


Its natural for you to want the best for and to protect your child.  Its unfortunate that there is this us against them mentality out there.   Us or them, we all need to keep things in persepective and not let emotion cloud any issues.

Are there bad coaches out there?  Sure.  Do kids tell half-truths?  Never.    Do parents blow things out of proprotion without having all the facts?  You tell me.

Perfect response!